How Does St Louis Marriage Therapy LLC Address Conflict in Couples Counseling?

In couples counseling, we address conflict by teaching clients how to address it directly and respectfully. We focus on helping couples handle conflict more productively and provide them with tools to address conflicts on their own.

Finding Calm in the Storm: How to Move Through Triggers

Triggers related to past trauma can spark intense “fight or flight” responses that make us feel out of control. Learning to move through these distressing moments is crucial for healing. This post outlines a 4-step method to help you navigate triggers thoughtfully and empoweringly.

Observe You’re Being Triggered

The first vital step is noticing when you’ve been triggered. Common trauma responses include:

Fight

Feeling ready to physically defend yourself or verbally attack. Signs may include red-facedness or clenched fists.

Flight

Feeling an urgent need to escape the situation immediately. You may run away or feel pulled to quit a relationship or job suddenly.

Freeze

Shutting down and becoming non-responsive during confrontations. You may struggle to speak or make eye contact.

Fawn

Quickly placating, apologizing, or complying with demands to pacify the other person.

Start tuning into your body and emotions to recognize when you slip into these reactive states. What situations tend to trigger you? Maybe particular smells, physical touch, raised voices, etc. Building self-awareness helps you catch yourself getting triggered in the moment so you can self-soothe.

Physically De-escalate

Once you realize you’ve been triggered, immediately focus on physically calming your body down.

Try Deep Breathing

Slow, deep breaths activate the parasympathetic nervous system, signaling your brain and body to relax. The more oxygen circulating, the quicker you’ll feel centered and clear-headed.

Ground Yourself

Use the “54321” grounding technique. Name 5 things you see, 4 you hear, 3 you can touch, 2 you smell, and 1 you taste. This rapid sensory inventory brings you into the present moment.

Emotionally De-Escalate

After physically de-escalating, provide emotional self-comfort with internal messages like:

“I’m safe right now in this room.”
“It’s okay to feel this way.”
“I don’t need to act or speak right now.”
“This feels like crisis, but I’m not actually in danger.”

The goal is to neutralize the intensity until you achieve calm. Repeat the physical and emotional de-escalation techniques until your distress drops to a 2 or 3 on a 10-point scale.

Proceed or Pivot Grounded in Choice

Once centered, you can choose to continue your original activity or do something totally different. Either way, the key is acting by conscious choice rather than knee-jerk reaction. You move forward grounded and empowered instead of hijacked by past demons.

Bringing awareness to what triggers you and having go-to tools to de-escalate puts you back in the driver’s seat. You can’t always control what happens to you, but you can control how you respond.