How Does St Louis Marriage Therapy LLC Address Conflict in Couples Counseling?

In couples counseling, we address conflict by teaching clients how to address it directly and respectfully. We focus on helping couples handle conflict more productively and provide them with tools to address conflicts on their own.

Trigger Response Cycle

Infidelity and Affairs, Romance and Intimacy, Stress, Therapy, Video / By Angela Skurtu

Finding Calm in the Storm: How to Move Through Triggers

Triggers related to past trauma can spark intense “fight or flight” responses that make us feel out of control. Learning to move through these distressing moments is crucial for healing. This post outlines a 4-step method to help you navigate triggers thoughtfully and empoweringly.

Observe You’re Being Triggered

The first vital step is noticing when you’ve been triggered. Common trauma responses include:

Fight

Feeling ready to physically defend yourself or verbally attack. Signs may include red-facedness or clenched fists.

Flight

Feeling an urgent need to escape the situation immediately. You may run away or feel pulled to quit a relationship or job suddenly.

Freeze

Shutting down and becoming non-responsive during confrontations. You may struggle to speak or make eye contact.

Fawn

Quickly placating, apologizing, or complying with demands to pacify the other person.

Start tuning into your body and emotions to recognize when you slip into these reactive states. What situations tend to trigger you? Maybe particular smells, physical touch, raised voices, etc. Building self-awareness helps you catch yourself getting triggered in the moment so you can self-soothe.

Physically De-escalate

Once you realize you’ve been triggered, immediately focus on physically calming your body down.

Try Deep Breathing

Slow, deep breaths activate the parasympathetic nervous system, signaling your brain and body to relax. The more oxygen circulating, the quicker you’ll feel centered and clear-headed.

Ground Yourself

Use the “54321” grounding technique. Name 5 things you see, 4 you hear, 3 you can touch, 2 you smell, and 1 you taste. This rapid sensory inventory brings you into the present moment.

Emotionally De-Escalate

After physically de-escalating, provide emotional self-comfort with internal messages like:

“I’m safe right now in this room.”
“It’s okay to feel this way.”
“I don’t need to act or speak right now.”
“This feels like crisis, but I’m not actually in danger.”

The goal is to neutralize the intensity until you achieve calm. Repeat the physical and emotional de-escalation techniques until your distress drops to a 2 or 3 on a 10-point scale.

Proceed or Pivot Grounded in Choice

Once centered, you can choose to continue your original activity or do something totally different. Either way, the key is acting by conscious choice rather than knee-jerk reaction. You move forward grounded and empowered instead of hijacked by past demons.

Bringing awareness to what triggers you and having go-to tools to de-escalate puts you back in the driver’s seat. You can’t always control what happens to you, but you can control how you respond.

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Don’t Avoid All Conflict, But Choose Wisely

Communication Skills, Conflict Resolution, Therapy / By Angela Skurtu

Many people use the phrase “pick your battles” as an excuse to avoid confronting any issues in their relationships. While avoiding constant conflicts is wise, never speaking up allows problems to fester. We must learn to selectively pick battles worth addressing.

Signs This Battle Is Worth Fighting

How do you know when an issue is worth battling over? Here are two key indicators:

It’s Cumulatively Chipping Away at You

Doing an annoying chore or having an argument here and there is no big deal. But when something repeatedly happens over time and gradually builds resentment, it needs to be addressed.

Maybe your partner never does dishes or puts their clothes in the hamper. At first, you let it slide, but after months or years of accumulating, you’ve had enough. Bringing this up stops resentment before it threatens the relationship.

It Could Impact Your Long-Term Future

Some problems may not seem urgent day-to-day but can undermine the relationship if ignored. Lacking intimacy, differing money habits, or poor communication don’t immediately end relationships, but they strain connections over years if unresolved.

Don’t wait until you’ve fallen out of love or built up irreparable resentment before working on intimacy, finances, trust issues, or other foundational aspects of partnerships.

How to Productively Raise These Concerns

Once you’ve identified a battle worth fighting, avoid attacking your partner. Have a caring conversation focusing on mutual understanding and compromise.

Use “I” Statements

Discuss your feelings and perspectives using “I” language. Say “I feel overwhelmed when I’m always doing housework alone” rather than blaming “You never help with chores.” This reduces defensiveness.

Frame Issues as Shared Problems

Rather than attacking your partner, view issues as shared problems needing a team effort. Say “How can we get better at managing our money?” not “Your spending is out of control.” This brings you together against an issue.

Suggest Next Steps

Don’t just raise problems. Propose potential solutions to show you want improvement, not just to complain. Recommend couple’s counseling for communication issues or an app to track finances.

When to Seek Outside Help

Despite your best efforts, some battles turn heated no matter what. If you can’t have caring dialogues without frequent blowout fights, consider involving a therapist. They can mediate discussions, provide tools for communicating safely, and get your partnership back on track if you feel too hurt or resentful to do so alone.

Picking the right battles and addressing them respectfully prevents small issues from accumulating into relationship-ending resentment and discord. Learn to speak up constructively about problems worth solving early on.

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