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More Than a Handjob: Creative Ways to Reignite Desire in Your Relationship

When resentment builds up in a relationship, it can lead to the unhealthy dynamic of one partner giving an “angry handjob.” The term “angry handjob” refers to when someone engages in a sexual act that they do not actually want to do. They are acting out of obligation, frustration, or resentment rather than true desire.

An angry handjob happens when a partner asks for sex and the other partner agrees even though they do not feel like it. They may give manual, oral, or penetrative sex even while feeling angry, annoyed, or resentful towards their partner in that moment. The partner receiving the sexual act gets physical pleasure, but the partner giving it does so grudgingly. This breeds more resentment and harms intimacy in the long run.

No one should ever feel obligated to perform sexual acts out of resentment. While momentary frustration is normal in any relationship, consistent angry handjobs indicate unresolved problems that will only deepen if not addressed. Resentment is the enemy of desire and passion.

Resentment Damages Intimacy

Resentment in a relationship creates distance and disconnect, which can be very damaging to your sex life over time. When you carry negative feelings toward your partner, it becomes increasingly difficult to be emotionally and physically intimate.

Sex thrives when both people feel safe, valued, and cared for. But resentment eats away at that foundation of trust and goodwill. Instead of feeling affectionate, you may start to see your partner as an adversary or obstacle to your needs. Resentment creates an “us vs. them” mentality.

This dynamic prevents the vulnerability and openness required for passionate, mutually fulfilling sex. If you’re holding on to bitterness, it’s tough to be fully present in intimate moments. Your mind might drift to those unresolved hurts and conflicts.

Over time, the disconnect caused by resentment can completely dampen your libido and sexual interest in that person. You may start avoiding physical affection altogether to avoid triggering those unpleasant feelings.

Resentment damages the friendship and fondness for your partner that motivates you to meet their sexual needs. No one wants to enthusiastically pleasure someone they’re angry with. That’s why resentment often leads to the kind of obligatory, joyless sexual encounters known as “angry handjobs.”

The emotional work of overcoming resentment is vital for restoring intimacy. You have to rebuild that foundation of trust if you want to have great sex again. Counseling can help, but both people must dedicate themselves to the process.

Why People Give Angry Handjobs

While no one should feel obligated to perform sexual acts they don’t want to do, there are common reasons why people end up resentfully going through with them anyway.

Partners may feel pressured to meet their partner’s sexual needs and respond to their initiation even if they themselves aren’t in the mood. They may worry that declining sex will hurt their relationship, undermine their partner’s self-esteem, or cause their partner to seek fulfillment elsewhere.

Some believe it’s their marital duty or obligation to satisfy their spouse’s desires and may feel guilty saying no to physical intimacy. They may try to “just get it over with” even while feeling angry, violated, or used.

In other cases, one partner may use guilt, criticism, manipulation, or verbal coercion to pressure the other into unwanted sexual activity, deliberately ignoring their lack of interest or enthusiasm.

While momentarily avoiding conflict, angry sexual acts breed resentment and disconnection. They signal deeper issues in the relationship that need to be addressed. Partners should find alternatives to unwanted intimacy that leaves both people feeling satisfied.

Alternatives to Unwanted Sex

Rather than going through with sex you don’t want just to placate your partner, get creative with intimacy. Explore non-penetrative and lower-pressure sensual activities you both can enjoy:

• Sensual massage. Trade massages without the expectation of sex after. Focus on relaxing touch.
• Cuddling. Get close and feel each other’s skin without needing more.
• Make out. Kiss, caress, grind – stop before sex unless you both want it.
• Take a bath together. Enjoy the warm water and candlelight without expectations.
• Give each other pedicures. Touch feet, calves, hands sensually.
• Dance together wearing little or no clothes. Feel your bodies connect through movement.
• Go on a naked picnic. Lay together nude in nature without needing sex.

The key is finding intimate activities that meet both people’s comfort levels. Don’t do anything that makes you resentful. Keep communicating until you find things you both enjoy.

Communicate Boundaries

Open and honest communication about sex is critical for a healthy relationship. Discuss what you enjoy sexually and what your boundaries are. Let your partner know when you are not interested in a particular sexual act. Explain what you need in terms of intimacy and pleasure. Make requests for what would feel good to you.

Setting clear boundaries around unwanted sexual acts prevents growing resentment. Rather than silently going along with something you don’t want, communicate your limits. If certain acts are off the table, say so.

Listen non-defensively to your partner’s desires. Find compromises that work for both of you. Negotiate creative alternatives that meet each person’s needs. Stay connected through intimate non-sexual touch if needed.

Keep talking about sex regularly so you stay on the same page. Check in before and after being sexual. Make sure you both feel safe, comfortable and cared for. Discuss adjustments if something didn’t feel right. Healthy couples maintain an ongoing conversation about their sex life.

Focus on Your Own Pleasure

When we engage in sexual activity that we don’t actually want, it can affect our libido and enjoyment of sex. Rather than just going through the motions resentfully, take some time to explore what you desire in a sexual experience. Knowing your own wants and needs is crucial for a fulfilling sex life, both alone and with a partner.

Make sensuality about you, not just your partner. Take a bath, read erotica, fantasize, or masturbate to reconnect with your own interests. Don’t try to force arousal or push your boundaries. Simply focus on understanding what pleasures you and turns you on. Reclaim your sexuality as an empowering experience of self-care.

Get curious about your desires without judgment or expectations. Explore different sensual activities, from foreplay to roleplaying to fetishes. Imagine scenarios that appeal to you. What gets you excited? What helps you relax into desire? How do you want to feel during intimacy? What builds erotic anticipation?

By tuning into your authentic desires, you can communicate them clearly. With practice, you’ll learn to honor your body’s cues. Then when a partner initiates sex, you’ll know how to respond based on what you want in that moment, not guilt or obligation. Reclaim agency over your pleasure and transform intimacy.

See a Sex Therapist

If you find yourself unable to become aroused or feel desire for your partner, professional help may be needed. Loss of sexual interest is common, but it can seriously impact intimacy in relationships. Seeing an expert like a sex therapist can help identify the root causes and develop strategies to increase desire and satisfaction.

A sex therapist can help you explore factors that may be inhibiting arousal. This includes emotional issues like resentment or anger, the effects of aging, medications, hormone changes, trauma, poor body image, pain, or loss of attraction. When the underlying causes are addressed in a safe, judgement-free environment, it’s possible to rebuild intimacy.

Therapy provides a space to process feelings, improve communication skills, and better understand your needs. You’ll get support to prioritize sexual health. With new insights and tools, you can rediscover passion, even when overcoming challenges like low libido. Your relationship and sense of connection stand to improve.

Don’t continue having unwanted sex that leaves you and your partner feeling resentful and disconnected. Make an investment in professional help so you can have an active, fulfilling sex life again. There are solutions available if you reach out.

Work on the Relationship

Resentment and anger don’t arise in a vacuum. There are often underlying issues in the relationship that need to be addressed. Take time to have an open and honest discussion with your partner about any built-up hurts, disappointments, or frustrations. Listen to understand their perspective. Identify patterns causing conflict. Seek counseling if you are unable to resolve problems on your own. Resentment festers when conflicts go unaddressed. By working through issues, you can restore closeness and intimacy. Approach your partner with empathy, avoid blaming, and collaborate to find win-win solutions. The goal is to clear the air so you can both feel positive about physical intimacy again. Deal with problems proactively before they poison your sex life. Maintaining healthy communication and resolving conflicts will help prevent anger from tainting your sexual experiences.

Set Aside Sexual Expectations

For some people, sex gets overloaded with expectations about particular acts or goals to reach orgasm. This puts pressure on both partners and can lead to resentment if it feels like work instead of pleasure. Take penetration off the table for a set period of time to relieve some of that pressure to perform a certain way. Spend intimate time together with no expectation of orgasm or following a script. Focus on sensuality through massage, kissing, cuddling nude, gentle touch of body parts outside genitals, or just being physically close. This helps reset the patterns around sexuality, intimacy and meeting expectations. Approach it with curiosity, playfulness and relaxation to rediscover each other. Removing rigid goals allows you both to be present in the moment and find enjoyment.

From Angry Handjobs to Intimate Connection: Breaking Out of Unfulfilling Sexual Patterns

Resentful sexual acts like angry handjobs can seriously damage intimacy and desire in a relationship. It’s important for couples to avoid engaging in any sexual activity that feels obligatory, unwanted, or resentful.

As discussed, there are healthier alternatives when one partner wants sex but the other is not interested. This may involve taking sex off the table entirely for a period to explore other forms of physical intimacy that both partners can enjoy and commit to.

Strong communication is key – partners should feel safe expressing their boundaries without shame or judgment. There are also times when seeing a sex therapist can be very beneficial, especially if one or both partners are really struggling with lack of desire.

The goal is to create a mutually fulfilling sex life based on enthusiasm and true connection. This means setting aside expectations that physical intimacy must look a certain way. Anger and resentment have no place in a healthy sexual relationship. Avoid angry handjobs, and instead focus on rebuilding intimacy through openness, creativity, and mutual care for each other’s needs.