Communication Skills

Many people use the phrase “pick your battles” as an excuse to avoid confronting any issues in their relationships. While avoiding constant conflicts is wise, never speaking up allows problems to fester. We must learn to selectively pick battles worth addressing.

Signs This Battle Is Worth Fighting

How do you know when an issue is worth battling over? Here are two key indicators:

It’s Cumulatively Chipping Away at You

Doing an annoying chore or having an argument here and there is no big deal. But when something repeatedly happens over time and gradually builds resentment, it needs to be addressed.

Maybe your partner never does dishes or puts their clothes in the hamper. At first, you let it slide, but after months or years of accumulating, you’ve had enough. Bringing this up stops resentment before it threatens the relationship.

It Could Impact Your Long-Term Future

Some problems may not seem urgent day-to-day but can undermine the relationship if ignored. Lacking intimacy, differing money habits, or poor communication don’t immediately end relationships, but they strain connections over years if unresolved.

Don’t wait until you’ve fallen out of love or built up irreparable resentment before working on intimacy, finances, trust issues, or other foundational aspects of partnerships.

How to Productively Raise These Concerns

Once you’ve identified a battle worth fighting, avoid attacking your partner. Have a caring conversation focusing on mutual understanding and compromise.

Use “I” Statements

Discuss your feelings and perspectives using “I” language. Say “I feel overwhelmed when I’m always doing housework alone” rather than blaming “You never help with chores.” This reduces defensiveness.

Frame Issues as Shared Problems

Rather than attacking your partner, view issues as shared problems needing a team effort. Say “How can we get better at managing our money?” not “Your spending is out of control.” This brings you together against an issue.

Suggest Next Steps

Don’t just raise problems. Propose potential solutions to show you want improvement, not just to complain. Recommend couple’s counseling for communication issues or an app to track finances.

When to Seek Outside Help

Despite your best efforts, some battles turn heated no matter what. If you can’t have caring dialogues without frequent blowout fights, consider involving a therapist. They can mediate discussions, provide tools for communicating safely, and get your partnership back on track if you feel too hurt or resentful to do so alone.

Picking the right battles and addressing them respectfully prevents small issues from accumulating into relationship-ending resentment and discord. Learn to speak up constructively about problems worth solving early on.