How Does St Louis Marriage Therapy LLC Address Conflict in Couples Counseling?

In couples counseling, we address conflict by teaching clients how to address it directly and respectfully. We focus on helping couples handle conflict more productively and provide them with tools to address conflicts on their own.

Article | Therapist in St. Louis

How to Talk about Sex

Article, Communication Skills / By Angela Skurtu

A big part of my job as a sex therapist is to teach couples how to talk about sex. The couples I typically see either fight with each other about sex, criticize each other about sex, or avoid talking about sex. Each of these methods has a similar outcome—the couples are unhappy with their sex life. Couples need to learn how to negotiate to get their needs and desires met with one another in a positive and respectful way.

To better understand how to talk about sex, couples can learn about the five negotiation styles-competing, avoiding, accommodating, compromising, and collaborating. The competing style involves winning at all costs. A person who takes a “my way or the highway” approach is using this style. The problem with using this style in sex is that only one person may end up happy at the expense of the other. Over time, this will lead to either lower sexual desire or resentment in the person who constantly feels like they are losing.

The avoiding style of negotiation can also be difficult, because no one brings up the problem. Couples in this situation either stay unhappy with their sex life for long periods of time or find ways to resolve the problem on their own for good or bad. An affair is one example of how a person may try to resolve the issue on their own, but this “resolution” obviously comes with some very challenging consequences.

The other three negotiation styles accommodating, compromising, and collaborative can be more helpful styles to use when negotiating for a more positive sex life depending on the situation.

For example, an accommodating style of negotiation is when one partner will give a win to the other person. In the movie Star Wars, R2D2 is playing a game with Chewbacca. Chewbacca gets angry when R2D2 makes a winning move. After further discussion with Han Solo, C3PO advises R2D2 to, “Let the wookie win.”

Sometimes in sex, it can also be helpful to “let the wookie win” especially if you don’t care much about the outcome. For example, one partner may say, “It would be nice if we could make out for a bit before getting into sex.” If making out sounds like a fun start or it doesn’t bother you, go along with it. “Sounds good! Whatever makes you happy!” In another example, one person may prefer to be on top during sex. If you really don’t care whether you are on top or bottom (or in some other unique position), then go with it.

The compromising style of negotiation can also be a very effective way to address sexual needs especially if you are not on the same page with your partner. The compromising style involves a half-win and a half-lose. Each person gets a little and gives a little. One example of how this works is if one partner is interested in sex while the other partner is not. “I am not feeling it tonight, babe, but what do you say we start tomorrow with a romp in the sheets. I’ll be well rested and ready to go!” In this situation, both have to give a little to make things work. In another example, one partner wants to have sex every day while the other partner wants to have sex once weekly. The compromise may involve two sex days and one wild card day or three sex days with the higher desire partner masturbating more on off days. Either way, the couple will need to come up with a middle ground that they each can live with.

The final negotiation style that is my personal favorite is the collaborative approach. In the collaborative approach, the couple is working on finding win/win solutions. “How can we both be happy at the end of this sexual encounter?” For example, one partner may be interested in sex while the other is not. If you are taking a collaborative approach you may say, “I am not ready for sex now, but I could be with a little work. How about we . . .” insert what thing might help you to get in the mood. Both partners win because they both get a happy ending.
In an ideal world, couples would always use the collaborative negotiation style and have many, many happy endings. The reality is that nobody has a perfect sex life. Rather than putting a lot of pressure on your relationship, it is better to learn when and how to use the different negotiation tactics so that you can still be mostly happy. Hopefully, you can learn to negotiate your needs and desires in a fun, respectful way.

To view the original article, visit this link:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/angela-skurtu/how-to-talk-about-sex_b_9486740.html

How to Talk about Sex Read More »

Making a Baby-Your Fertility Guide to Sexual Health

Many couples are in the business of making a baby. This business takes a lot of work for some couples. There are natural ways to try and some helpers that you can use if you are seeing a fertility doctor or your OBGYN. One challenge couples face when making a baby is that sex becomes more of a chore and less fun. In this blog, I will offer some helpful tips for how to make babies in a fun way while still following baby making protocols.

Typically, your doctor will suggest that you find out when you are ovulating. This can easily be done by getting an ovulation tester kit. The tester kit will read positive when you are beginning your ovulation period. Once you get a positive read, it is best to have sex either every day or at least every other day for each day you test positive on your ovulation test kit. The length of time you test positive using the ovulation mit can vary from 3 to 7 days. Most doctors will discourage men from masturbating in between sexual sessions so that all the sperm is being utilized for reproduction.

If couples have used this method for a year to two years and are still not getting pregnant, the next step is usually Clomid. Clomid is a fertility drug that helps ensure that the woman is ovulating. An OBGYN will prescribe its use for around 6 months starting with the lowest dose in the first months and gradually increasing it over the 6 month period. However, there are some side effects to using this drug. Some women report feeling hot flashes, vaginal dryness, and/or dizziness. For a complete list of potential side effects, you can read up about Clomid on their website. For some women, the effects of the medicine are not very fun or condusive for easy sex.

For some couples, planning sex like this can be daunting. You may enjoy sex, but not enjoy it as much when it feels you have to plan ahead or you have to have sex even when you don’t want to. A good strategy is to try for a month or two and then take a break and enjoy sex as usual. This helps couples experience sex in the way they most naturally enjoy it.

Another helpful strategy is to try something new and fun each time. One day, a couple may enjoy sex as usual, while the next time they may have sex in the shower. One time you may try a little role play, while another day you may where sexy lingerie or dress real nice for each other. Whatever you do, try to make it more fun and less of a chore.

A final helpful strategy to use is to intentionally put yourselves in the mood for sex. For many couples, they wait until the mood naturally strikes to have sex. However, there are many ways couples can put themselves in the mood for sex intentionally. For example, you can watch a sexy movie together to get sex on your mind. During the day you can send flirty texts or emails back and forth to each other. You can read sexy books and articles or you can just take some time to fantasize. Whatever you do, take some time to intentionally put yourself in the mood and that way sex will be much more fun.