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The common definition of a sexless marriage is when a couple has sex fewer than ten times per year. However, this limited view fails to capture the full picture. A marriage is sexless when spouses no longer connect physically or emotionally in an intimate way. Rather than counting specific sexual acts, it’s more constructive to ask whether both partners feel satisfied with the level of sensuality, affection, and eroticism in the relationship. An expanded definition recognizes that couples can enjoy diverse expressions of sexuality while still avoiding the “friend zone marriage” where all passion fades. The key is open communication about mutual desires, not arbitrary numerical thresholds. With this reframed understanding, more couples may discover their relationship is far from sexless.

How do I know if I’m in a sexless marriage?

A marriage is considered sexless if you are having sex ten times a year or less. In reality, this is a very limited way of looking at a sexless marriage. How is sex defined? Does it include making out, sexual affection, cuddling, oral sex, finger play, or sensual massage? A marriage is considered sexless if a couple is not talking about sex or engaging in any type of sexual interaction. You could have a penetration free marriage that has a lot of sex and still feel satisfied. 

A sexless marriage is more considered a friend zone marriage in which a couple no longer engages in any sexual activities that separate them from a friendship or roommate relationship. 

There are plenty of couples who do not have a penis in vagina intercourse that do not consider themselves to be in a sexless marriage. In fact, couples who have a more expanded view of what sexuality can look like tend to be much happier with their sex lives.

What are the causes of a sexless marriage?

A limited view of sexuality is one cause of a sexless marriage. If every time someone initiates sex, there has to be penetration for it to “count,” then over time, that gets limiting and builds pressure. Couples who have creative sex or a variety of ways to show sexual expression tend to keep a strong sexual connection. One night they may go down on each other. One night they may cuddle and watch a sexy movie. Another night they hang out naked together. These are all ways to be sexual that spice up a sex life. But if every time you have sex, it has to look the same way, over time, people lose interest.

Another cause for a sexless marriage is when a couple stops trying or putting effort into their relationship. Sex, like any other issue in a relationship, needs intention and effort. One of the biggest challenges couples have is they move out of the honeymoon period and into the responsibility of day-to-day life. When this happens, couples need to intentionally flirt and be romantic with one another. They can’t expect the feelings just to be there long term. 

Couples who have an excellent sex life complement each other, kissing one another, showing each other attention, spending time on dates and trying to experiment with new sexy things. They don’t wait to feel like doing these things. They make an intentional effort to do these things daily with each other to keep their connection warm and close. Couples in sexless marriages don’t put this effort in and expect their sex life to stick around forever. Then they get surprised, angry or even jealous when their sex life reduces.

A third reason couples end up in sexless marriage is that they are conflict avoidant. My favorite couple style to work with is the best friends. These couples barely fight, have good conversations and general try to keep things peaceful in their lives. Yet, they have a dead bedroom. 

Why? Because sex is a type of conflict. In order to try new things, you have to engage in respectful conflict with your partner. You need to rock the boat and let them know you are unhappy. For a conflict avoider, that is scary and it is easier to avoid conflict than to tell your partner you are unhappy with your sex life. It is easier to hope things get better or to say to yourself, “This is just a phase,” than to admit to yourself you have a problem. 

How to talk to my partner about sex?

While I said sex is a type of conflict, I don’t believe sex should be approached as a fight. A conflict simply means you need to put yourself out there and let your partner know you are interested in sex and would like to try and make changes. 

One of the ways to talk to your partner is to start by owning your own part in your sex life. If you realize that you have only been initiating penetrative sex, you may start by owning that you don’t personally think about other ways to be sexual and as a result you can fall into sexual ruts. 

You own it by saying something to the effect, “I realize that I don’t always think of new things to try sexually. That is my fault. I would love to talk with you about ways for us to explore new and fun things together. I need your help with these ideas.”

Another thing you may want to own is if you have stopped trying altogether. Sometimes, when you get rejected enough by your partner, you avoid initiating at all and wait for them to initiate sex. This doesn’t seem to work either. A way to own this one is to say to your partner, 

“I realize I have expected you to initiate sex on your own. I want to find ways to initiate with you again so we both are putting in the effort.”

Not all of the sexual problems are on you. Sometimes you have a partner who really isn’t putting in any effort on their part. When this is the case, you need to bring up the conflict but try and remain thoughtful in how you approach the issue. 

It may sound like this, “I feel like I have been the only one putting effort into our sex life. I can’t do this alone. I would like us to figure out a better way to work as a team.”

Or you can also say something like this, “I want to feel wanted and desired by you again. I have felt very alone in our sex life and I don’t know how to resolve this issue without you.”

The reality is that there is no perfect way to address a sexless marriage. Ultimately you need to be kind in how you say it, but you need to simply tell your partner you are unhappy with your sex life. It doesn’t have to sound perfect. Conflict never is perfect. It is challenging. But in the end, you will be a lot happier if you address the problem rather than hoping things will change and avoiding the issue. 

How to initiate sex without being rejected?

This needs to be a discussion between you and your partner. Rejection is tough for everyone and I can’t promise that you will never have a time where you are rejected. However, if you are the sole person initiating sex, one of the things you can do is talk to your partner about initiating sex as well so you aren’t the only one getting rejected. 

It may look like you flipping roles with your partner. Commonly males feel like they get rejected sexually and females feel like they get rejected emotionally. One way to avoid rejection is to start initiating emotional connections if you are a guy and initiating sexual connections if you are a girl in a heterosexual relationship. 

Emotional connections are essentially deep conversations, time alone with the two of you to connect as people, playing a game together, or doing a meaningful activity. If your partner has mentioned she wants to do something special as a family, initiating a special family activity is a way to initiate an emotional connection. A deep conversation might involve questions like, “How do you think you have changed in the last 10 years?” You can look up deep questions to ask and get a conversation started. But ultimately, a deep conversation involves more than, “How was your day?” and more than planning the day to day life activities.

If you are the female in this relationship, you would start initiating sexual connections like “let’s take a shower together,” or “Can we cuddle naked?” One of the conversations you may need to have with your guy is to let him know you need sexual activities that are not solely focused on penetrative sex. If he is willing to enjoy a variety of sexual things, you would be more willing to initiate sex. 

How to overcome the challenges of having a sexless marriage? 

One of the best ways to help a sexless marriage is to get into sex therapy as quickly as possible. Commonly, couples avoid any form of help until they have built some resentment around the topic. Sex Therapy works best when a couple comes in early on and figures out ways to support each other.

If you are in a couple that still loves each other and enjoys spending time together, you may simply be in a friend zone. You want to get help early enough to improve the situation. If couples come in after deep resentment is built, making changes that will work is extremely hard. Resentment itself can be a reason people aren’t having sex, even if that wasn’t the original reason.

Where you can go to sex therapy or, at the very least, learn as much as you can about sex so you can navigate your sex life successfully.