Angela Skurtu

Nearly half of all marriages may qualify as “sexless” – but our conventional definitions fail to tell the whole story. Behind closed bedroom doors, couples everywhere struggle with mismatched libidos, exhaustion from overwork, gender role conflicts, past sexual trauma, and much more. Yet uncomfortable silence and stigma leave many suffering partners isolated and ashamed. Before declaring your marriage sexless, why not reconsider what intimacy could look like? Beyond the conventional model of scheduled obligatory sex, there awaits an uncharted world of sensual connection. Through courageous self-reflection, open communication without judgment, and unlocking the meanings behind each other’s longings and fears, you just might discover new erotic possibilities in your relationship. This hidden journey starts with the very first step.

It is actually quite hard to determine just how many couples are in sexless marriages. It is the most common problem that no one talks about. It suggested that that one of the impacts of the pandemic has been that either couples are in sexless marriages or the ones who continue to have sex have become more experimental in the types of sex they are having. One thing is for sure, many couples are struggling with sexless marriages and want to find something better

The veiled reality is that sexless marriages are startlingly pervasive – yet still a taboo topic. Estimates vary widely on just how many couples qualify as “sexless” – typically defined as less than 10 intimate encounters within a year. But that numerical threshold fails to capture the true complexity of mismatched libidos. According to a 2018 New York Times article, approximately 15% of married couples are sexless. Meanwhile, a 2022 Psychology Today article places the figure between 20-50% of marriages. 

The COVID-19 pandemic has likely only exacerbated struggles for some couples – either shutting down intimacy entirely or sparking experimentation born of boredom or strain. Regardless of which statistics one cites, the core truth persists: a silent multitude of romantic partners experience profound dissatisfaction around physical connection. 

Each relationship contends with a maze of biological, emotional, and cultural factors influencing fluctuating sexual desire. The stigma surrounding discussions of sex has left these couples unsupported in navigating deeper root causes and rediscovering affection. But transformation remains possible when the courage can be mustered to confront truths.

What are the causes of a sexless marriage?

There can be many causes of a sexless marriage. With two income households, parents are now working much harder and longer hours than they did in the past. Our society has also shifted to expect the primary couple to do most of the work around the house and with the kids. Essentially dual income parents are working way more than their predecessors and they are exhausted.

Another common cause of sexless marriages is that women are emotionally and physically exhausted. While many men have stepped up to do their fair share around the household, many women feel lonely in bearing the emotional workload of household activities. A common complaint in my therapy room is that women are required to do most of the planning or Household management tasks. 

Their partners are stepping up in day to day tasks like laundry or dishes, but it is still primarily expected that women are the ones checking the school emails, keeping up with the school calendars, making doctor’s appointments, leaving their jobs to take their kids to those appointments, and creating the “honey do” lists. This job is like being the CEO of the household. It was once a job solely done by stay at home moms, but now is commonly falling on women who still hold full time jobs.

Another common cause of sexless marriages is poor work life balance. Many people are expected to work 60+ hours weekly. In this article comparing workload to marital satisfaction, couples who work long hours simply don’t have time to keep their marriages strong and healthy. 

Relationships take time and effort. Couples need to have time to share with one another and go on dates. Couples need time to talk to each other about more than basic day-to-day chores and childcare duties. If all a couple has time for is to get work done, they won’t have time for a healthy sex life.

What are the emotional effects of a sexless marriage on both partners?

Loneliness and Isolation are commonly experienced when people are in a sexless marriage. I often hear my clients say they feel alone in their marriages. Instead of talking to each other, they begin to live separate lives. They will still do what needs to be done to keep the household working, but they essentially build separate lives. 

Couples commonly say to me they feel like roommates. Emotionally this is a challenging feeling when in your marriage you hoped to find your soulmate or least a friendship. Beyond feeling lonely, sexless marriages also break down the couple’s bond and connection. They will stop talking to each other about their day and eventually seek out connection elsewhere.

Couples also struggle with feelings of inadequacy and insecurity. When the person you love no longer turns to you for attention or comfort, you sometimes worry if they are seeking that attention from someone else. 

I have had couples say to me, “If they aren’t having sex with me, they must be getting it from somewhere else.” But the actual answer is often more complex than that. If the woman is so exhausted from working and then coming home to more of w workload with childcare and chores, she may not be feeling sexual at all. She may simply be craving alone time or the opportunity to get some self care. 

If her partner is feeling insecure, he may read this alone time as her wanting to cheat or not loving him. For men, their insecurity either shows up as jealousy or self-deprecation. They will become jealous of the woman’s want to spend time away from them and begin to start fights or they will feel deeply rejected and unwanted. I have seen men who feel so rejected that by the time they come to sex therapy, they are no longer confident enough to try and initiate connection again. 

Then, the couple plays a type of tug of war around who needs to put in the effort first. The problem is they both need to put in effort at the same time. Typically, couples wait way too long with a rough relationship before seeking help. 

Resentment and anger are other problems that can happen as a result of a sexless marriage. When couples feel defeated and lonely, they can either turn inward or outward. The outward expression of resentment is chronic fighting with each other. 

Breaking Free From the Damage of Past Sexual Trauma

I have some couples who have fought for many years. Their discussions are critical, defensive and often downright emotionally abusive. Once a couple is in this cycle, it is incredibly challenging to get out of the mess they are in. If the couple can both put effort into creating respectful communication again, they can eventually get back to improving intimacy. However, every time they have big blow up fights, it is though they start back at the beginning again. 

In all honestly, the shame and blame couples are some of the hardest ones to potentially heal from a sexless marriage. Many will eventually divorce. 

Stress and anxiety is another emotional effect of a sexless marriage. Many of the couples I see now are essentially in their sympathetic nervous system when they even talk a about sex. This means sex has become a fight/flight/freeze/fawn response. Their bodies are actually protecting themselves from the damage sex has done in their marriages. 

When a couple has reached this stage, there is still some hope that they can break free from this cycle. In therapy, I help couples begin by watching sexual content, talking about sexual content and reading about it in a more casual way. They start by relearning to experience sex as a relaxing response rather than a stress/anxiety response. 

When couples have trained their bodies to have stress reactions to sex, they actually experience sexual dysfunctions like erectile dysfunction, painful intercourse, delayed or problematic orgasms, premature ejaculation, and reduced or limited desire. But think about it. Do you desire to feel stressed? When you are anxious about something, do you find yourself wanting more of that thing or do you avoid it?

The reality is that many of my couples have trained themselves into some type of stress response around sex. It becomes this weird and uncomfortable dance in their household. One person wants it but doesn’t know how to initiate it. So they think about it and overthink it until their body becomes overwhelmed by sex. That kind of stress is going to show itself somehow. 

Owning Our Struggles to End the Stigma

What if you are on the opposite side of that issue? You don’t want sex but you know your partner does. You think about it. You walk on eggshells wondering, when are they going to try to initiate next? What will I do when I can’t perform? What if they get mad at me? Why don’t I want sex?

Finally, the biggest emotional effect is shame. When we feel shame associated with something natural like sex, we cause chaos. Sex is a normal and healthy part of your relationship. Believe it or not, sexual problems are also a normal and natural part of a sex life over time. 

When a couple is feeling shame around these issues, it takes a serious toll on their lives. Shame cause people to avoid talking about things or do things that they regret. Or both. Once shame is part of the problem, a couple no longer can productively address things as team. That’s the very emotion that starts the loneliness and isolation we discussed earlier.

So what can you do? One of the biggest reminders here to you is that sex therapy exists for a reason. Go to counseling and start addressing your issues head on as quickly as possible. Find a local sex therapist at AASECT.org who is trained to offer guidance and teach you how to set your relationship on the right path. 

Finally, teach your kids about sex education. Give them books to read and learn as much as you can for yourself. Why? Because we can change this problem for future generations by giving kids the knowledge to make their future relationships healthy. One of the ways we can improve the next generation is by breaking free from past trauma. Teaching your kids and teens about healthy, comprehensive sexuality is a gift that can help them create their own healthy sex lives when they get older.